Define Happy Medium (cntd.)

Yeah, why DID I feel something’s wrong with ‘small and slow’?

Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it.

Having to justify myself in front of others for that decision

The assumption that my qualifications should put me up for “much more”

The assumption I could do/be so “much more”

The expectation that my ambition is wired that way, that in fact I AM

The dismissal of my fears as irrational, silly and unnecessary

Kinda makes me want to say: Have you spent 12 months in my shoes? No? Then shut the hell up!

Being subjected to all of the above at least some of the time is not helpful in finding my own balance. Neither is listening to it, letting it get to me, of course. But show me the person who brushes such remarks off and goes about their business, content and safe in the knowledge that they are happy. I’ll gladly take lessons from them.

Deep inside I do know that it is MY happiness that I should be concerned about not what others may think of me. Alas, I am not always serenely oblivious to what those around me say or do or think. I keep stumbling over the opinions of others and keep struggling to focus on myself. I keep struggling with doubts.

I am sitting in this car – I have used this metaphor before and at that time I asked whether I was actually in the driver’s seat. Well, what do you know, now I am. Brownie point for me. However, someone pointed out to me only recently that I seem to be scared to drive. I have my foot on the gas and I slowly and carefully press down only to take it off again the next minute. The minute in fact when I actually start moving.

Let me tell you that makes for some jerky driving.

Translated it means that I am indecisive, unable to articulate what I want, because I in fact do not know. Being the control freak and perfectionist that I am I cannot simply take the wheel and drive (not speed, mind!) and see what happens. For that I am far too scared, too. And insecure perhaps. And too much the child of anxious parents.

But coming back to assumptions about potential.

Why is it seemingly unacceptable to be less ambitious than the next person? Why do I have to be pushier, more driven, more passionate? Why do I have to “do better”?

To whose standards, to whose definitions of success and failure do I have to live up to? Well, I know the answer – I am not that dense! We ALL know the answer to that. Of course we do!

Yet, do we live it? Well, I certainly don’t.

I believe once more it all essentially comes back to awareness and being in touch with yourself, and conscious experience. This coming from one who is so obviously lost in her own internal dialogue, is rich I know.

But these musings are simply what I have experienced so far while still not having successfully practised (let alone mastered) detachment. I struggle with such concepts/practises even though I believe them to be universally and profoundly true. Struggling in the sense of having a hard time of actively and consciously incorporating them in my life, which sounds phoney. Actually it should read – having a hard time LIVING it.

I have read about silence, quietening the internal dialogue, non-judgement, the need to get in touch with one’s innermost essence, quiet acknowledgement and the coexistence of opposites . . .

It all strikes a chord within me.

But I am the one seemlingy standing outside a glass window wondering why I am so removed from understanding, not seeing the obvious once more (yup, story of my life): if you want to get inside then you’d best use the door next to the window you’re standing in front of, right?

It seems such a logical thing, such a minor thing to do. It is so blatantly obvious.

And yet I am waiting. Waiting for what?!