What I Really (Really REALLY) Want

is to be slim and toned and financially comfortable, lucky in love, healthy, content and with a quiet mind and detached from all the silly things that tend to get in my way to serenity and wisdom - you know Zen-Goddess Greek Style with a hint of all around good person.

Did you notice how outward appearance comes before anything else?
I am shallow.  What else is new?

Hm, remember this person I had been pining for? Remember that I wrote how I understand now that we are to remain acquaintances, nothing more, and that that was ok?
The universe lent me a hand and sent him my way once more the other day.
It was an unexpected visit and it took me by surprise how ok I was with him showing up like that. I am not going to lie, my heart still skipped a beat but quickly calmed again - and amazingly that was that.
I did not spend the weekend obsessing, hoping for whatever.
I was happy that he was fine. And I believe he felt the same about me.

Do you know that is quite a nice feeling.
Makes you go all warm and fuzzy inside.

Well not really - I am not bloody Mother Theresa
And we all know - the next mistake is probably just 'round the corner, but think of the escapades and drolleries. Being unlucky in love is so much more entertaining for the innocent bystander.

Growth Spurt

There have been moments of clarity of late. Am a little astonished myself.
Not entirely convinced that it has to do with the sparkly magical new beginnings that new years are said to bring.
Maturation seems to come at strange times, in strange forms - certainly NEVER when you expect it.
A bit like miracles, come to think of it.

What I understand now is that the man, for whom I was inexplicably pining, and I have nothing but nothing in common. He never really cared (for me) or perhaps he was too preoccupied and arrogant or just simply scared and damaged.
That is fine, though. It really is. I am damaged goods, too in a way.
I mean, who isn't? But neither of us could have made the other one happy. I guess the more important aspect of this realisation is that HE could not have made ME happy.
I had thought or hoped for a long time that he could. Understanding that is quite a step forward for me. I am grateful for it. It's taken quite a bit of energy.
And now I can let that thought, that idea, go.

I'd be lying if I said I came through this "just like that" - clearly it did not happen "just like that". My "just like that" is inclusive of the struggle, the tears, the pain. "Just like that" also means the time it all took.
Paradoxically though, I believe in a way it IS a true description, like it did come out of the blue and easily and - totally like effortless...
Because it feels so right, because I feel relief, because I do not need to hold on any longer.

And since there is no need, no struggle now it IS "just like that" that I can move on. Is there regret? Is there sadness? Regret, no. Sadness, yes. A little. About the fact that I have made myself miserable and didn't understand that it was no fault of mine things did not work out.
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment (it's perhaps more of a process) when I felt that relief, relief for me, and when the absolute certainty came that letting go is the right thing. But what I know now is that everything else before was simply fear.

Suppose we are one another's teachers, I believe I have just learned my lesson.

Learning Curves Are Tricky Things

Ok, yesterday's rant may have been a little unfair.
To my fellow women in their not-so-sad late 30's.
And to Alex Turner, who after all is only a baby. And let's face it, when you're his age you do think the world owes you pretty girls, or handsome boys for that matter.Most of the time you stumble around not knowing what the fuck you want. That you occasionally still do at the ripe old age of 37.

Some people never grow old, that is to say - I have found out - they never learn. But no matter how old you are or pretend to be, if you belong to the non-learners, you will eventually run out of excuses for behaving like a brat (or prat, your choice). Hope is that non-learners forgive themselves at some point and stop thinking of themselves as failures. Rumour has it that, also eventually, you will stop to give a shit about what others may say or do or achieve or what they're better at.

I feel like a non-learner all the time. And I am still hoping for the point to come that I could give myself a break. Sometimes it works. In the Wallowing Hour. And I find myself letting go a little.
But as always, before you know it, the time's up and you put the gloves back on again and the visor goes down.

I heard someone say once, life hasn't got to be so hard.
Well, it's the way I know it.
What's hard is letting go of old habits.

No Such Thing As Too Much

No, I have not yet had my first ice cream this year. But I have seen a few people with cones in their hands, indulging in the cool sweetness, despite the weather.

In my humble opinion, ice cream is an all-year-round thing. To be enjoyed at all times, in all season. 

Of course, there are those who believe, ice cream is a summer affair, something to look forward to, something that comes round once a year like Christmas or Easter. Fools, I say. Ice cream never goes out of fashion or taste and why in hell would I want to wait until Summer?! The pleasure of ice cream cannot be spoiled. It is always at least as great as the last time, even if the last time was just an hour ago.

And yes, we can add that to my list of sins. I am a glutton for ice cream. There were times when I would have ice cream for breakfast on Sundays. I forget the name but it was vanilla with a layer of home-made raspberry jam on top. Courtesy of Eis Christina, of course.

Why am I remembering this? Because it stems from a time when I was very foolish. Not so much where my eating-habits were concerned, but my taste in men. 

And the memory of that particular brand of bad taste does not seem to go away. No matter how many times I try to cleanse my palate, there is always this slight bitterness at the back of my mouth. Did I say slight? Nonchalant, but inaccurate. That whole sorry chapter of my life just lets me wonder again and again where the hell rational thought and sanity were hiding out during that time. 

I said last month I would like to cut out that part of my memory and basically make the whole thing undone. 

And I still feel that way. I regret not being stronger and walking away sooner from a coward of a man, a silly and selfish human being unable to share, unable to be honest, unable to speak their mind or even speak UP, a weak and sorry figure that I should never ever have allowed into my life in the first place. 

But I also wonder what I may have learned from that experience. Apart from hating that person's guts and being a little worse for wear, apart from the usual anger.

I have no idea. I am lost for words. And that is saying much coming from a verbose person. 

I refuse to believe that Eis Christina is spoiled for me now. That eating ice cream is spoiled for me now, too. 

Well, if it comes down to that then so would be A LOT of things. And then I might just as well just give up and die. 

Ah, but I can't. 

There is still so much more venom to be spread.


P.S. If I was ever made into a comic book heroine I want to go by the name of Bitter Almond and if I had a choice, my gal pals'd be Miho and Maya.

I've Been Wrong Before

The period of nine months seems like a good amount of time for development.

Think human babies. 

Well, today I personally am thinking less babies and more personal growth. 

Whatever.
I, too, have had nine months. 

I have not done very well, though.

I have lost that competition if there ever was one.

I have lost to any fetus that has made it out of the womb alive. 

Wow, that really makes me feel special. 

In these nine months, I have not been able to overcome personal challenges. I have not been able to be kind, forgiving.

I am still holding a grudge (it actually should be GRUDGE, sorry to be picky) against a person in my life. I still want to hurt them and hurt them bad. I still have not moved on. I have actually RETURNED from the Land of the Sane and Balanced and I feel like I am now Carrie at the prom.

I also have the suspicion that grudges grow over time despite popular religious belief. Time does not heal all wounds. What utter crap! 

I have tried to forgive and forget. I can't. It does not work. Simple as that. 

I am not the bigger person.
I am not the calm one.
I am not forgiving as it turns out. 

Well, at least I know that much about myself now. That is what I have learned in my nine months of gestation. More like Jest-ation. Whatever... 

So I was thinking perhaps the Void can take care of this. 

If the Void is as big as I believe it is, then it can handle this, no problem. Swallow the grudge and all the bad energy, all the destructive emotions - because frankly I cannot. 

Let's see how that goes...