Complete And Utter Fool

...yup, that is me.
Admitting to this glorious state of being is not really the problem. I have suspected, in fact known, this for a long time.
What really gets to me is that I feel foolish because I have been made a fool of.
And YES, I am most familiar with Eleanor Roosevelt and her famous words about not permitting to be made feeling inferior (or incidentally a fool as in my case).
Who cares what some idiot does to you... well, I cannot quite see it that way and I blame my very much alive and kicking ego. 
I feel hurt, betrayed and simply I want to punch this person to spread some of that pain.
Some part of me tries hard to stay aloof and act as if nothing has happened. But the little person, desperately wanting to be liked or loved, is crushed and wants to curl up in bed and cry a little and whinge and moan that nobody but NOBODY loves her, for she is really unlovable and too complicated... should she go on?
    Nisse is no good in this instance as he made me swear I would not bother him with boy trouble.
Elves don't do agony aunt.
Also love messenger, Cupid or similar sidelines are not their forte, at least that was what he said to me in so many words. So I am left to my own devices and what is much more important, to my own frustrations.
That houseguest of mine would not hear of the therapeutic value of ranting and venting.
I should buck up, he said. No, the words he actually used were: Pull yourself together!
Who is he? Elizabeth Taylor?!

I do believe it has been established sufficiently via the media in its many forms and by personal experience of many a woman and man that being inebriated is not always the best way forward where human relations are concerned. No prizes for guessing, I got drunk. And consequently ended up with someone I should not have ended up with. Hindsight and all that...
I will not venture into the murky depths of exploiting a person's vulnerability. The more I think back on what happened the more I get confused about the question of consent, of it being my fault for not being more careful, of me being the slut in this scenario. Still, why would someone conclude from the fact that a woman is drunk they get a free pass at that woman's body?

Coming back to disastrous and emotionally disturbing decisions, being told not to talk about it and  finding out that this is this individual's MO adds insult to injury. Because apparently he has this penchant for women who are at one time or another defenseless - maybe that's because he is such a sad creature himself unable to connect - and clearly not wishing to be discovered to be the cad he is he tries to come across as this soft-spoken, discreet individual who is concerned about one's reputation.

With the added bonus of feeling a pang of shame I immediately jumped at his suggestion to keep this under wraps (how very "This is our little secret").
What low self-esteem and utter lack of pride! I cringe thinking about it and realising how desperate I appear to be. Can one be blamed for wanting to feel held, cherished, liked - however briefly? No, blame and shame should go to the party abusing such weakness.

Here is a revolutionary fact - little known and completely undervalued - Girls DO talk.
And this is how I found out one cold and rainy day that bottom-dweller-guy had moved on and had given his incredibly cunning instructions to the next lady.
I found myself more than a little rattled in the pride department. So much so that I am now venting and ranting here. 
I felt and feel bitter about how I thought that he was being genuine. But such is the way of sweet nothings and pillow talk - anything to further one's end, right.

Alan J. Lerner had Eliza Doolittle utter such apt words once upon a time:
What a fool I was, what an addlepated fool
What a mutton-headed dote was I

From now on, when I feel I need to have one too many, or to have any type of relation at all with scum like the above I shall burst into song instead. THAT song. Any song for that matter. I shall be a living karaoke machine. 


Better brush up on my power ballads and rock anthems then.