Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sadness. Show all posts

Monday, February 16, 2015

Bite Me, Jason Mraz!

There it was - this morning, nearly 8 of the clock - the famously infamous Blast From The Past.
Right in my bedroom, right in my face, straight out of Compton.
KIDDING.
But come it did - from the air waves right into mine ears, jump-starting that memory of yours truly.
I'd be lying if I claimed that it did not stop me in my tracks momentarily - such is the way of blasts in general, no? So I stood in my knickers, listening to Mraz's Jason wax poetic about starting to live sans souci and love and be loved and what have you.
Oh, the sweet agony in the general heart region.
I remembered listening to that song in days long forgotten and thinking about the person that held a place in my heart just to end up tearing it and thus becoming the face on the bull's eye of my dart board of loathing and destruction.
And I found myself - as I have been known to do quite regularly of late - wondering what went wrong and at what point in time did that downhill journey start.
I am unable to pinpoint the exact date, day, moment. Such is the way of things of the past, I believe.
Yet more and more I feel that both of us were to blame equally. After things had ended, it was easier to seek him out as the one who ruined it all.

Now I think it was more a matter of two souls not really made for each other.
We met at a time in our respective lives that each of us found difficult to handle. And we sought solace and comfort. And that is what we found, in the beginning. We talked about fears and insecurities and before our eyes there the other's pain unfolded and it was strangely familiar and heartbreaking in the devastation it brought. And with that came a feeling of mutual understanding and trust. And then a fondness growing into affection. And some fierce need to keep the other close to get through the things that ailed us both. "Close" of course was difficult, us being apart some 400km. Thank God for phones and Skype and E-mail.

It is making me sad writing about this now. Perhaps it is self-pity. But there is also genuine sadness about it all. You start unwrapping that shiny present that is the other and after a while most of the layers are gone and more and more you realise what is underneath is not quite what you expected. Sure, relationships are work and it is easy to forget that when you're busy unwrapping and you are excited and you hold the other dear. You find all that you uncover interesting to the nineth, you can relate or seriously try to. You talk it over. You see their point. You join their team. You make such a fucking effort it almost hurts - only it is effortless.

In time though, the excitement wanes and with it the understanding, the happiness to go with it all, to accept things the way they are. The everyday stakes more and more claims. Unnoticed at first as you are too busy with each other to really see anything else for the brightness that illuminates everything around you. This is not made any easier by the fact that a certain immediacy is missing which is part and parcel of the long distance relationship.
For some it works - all that distance-makes-the-heart-grow-fonder. For me? It did not in the end.
My heart grew resentful and hard. 
I shall stop here.

Need to get some crying done.
Possibly some gorging of chocolate.
Thanks Jason! Really, thank you so much! You couldn't have wrecked my day more thoroughly even if you tried.
Why? Well, for starters even IF it is our god-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved what's a gal to do when there's not so much as a smudge on the love radar. And when there's the sneaking suspicion that there won't be in the near future.
And THAT thought, my dear Jason? THAT hopelessness, is rather too much on this February afternoon.
Right, now I have to do one more thing before crying and stuffing my face with chocolate. I have to get that fucking song out of my head.
Thanks again, asshole!


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