Showing posts with label just saying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label just saying. Show all posts

Saturday, December 13, 2014

It's All In Your Head... And You Know It


It’s  11:02 of the clock. We are finding ourselves in Frankfurt, surprisingly enough. The northwestern sky I spot from this here location is undecided whether to rain or shine.
I know the feeling.
Croissant or cheese straw for breakfast?
Coffee or plain old water?
Such were the early morning hurdles that needed overcoming. They were not necessarily super high but it is early days. I am sure there’s more to come. I can feel it.

And I ask myself: hurdles and their height (or obstacles if you will) – are they of the It’s all in your head-category? Take sports for example, the hesitant approach more often than not lets you falter altogether in front of whatever is to be jumped over and across. Courage! (or simply: get a move on!) – that was the heart-warming advice my gym teacher used to give.
Why anyone on earth would want to hurtle towards an obstacle ye high and what is more to try and leap to their possible death in order to get across it is beyond me. Well, perhaps death is a little too much but sprained ankles and twisted knees ain’t no laughing matter either.

Anyway, suffice it to say that for the last two years of school I was exempt from any jumping activities. Hurdles in particular. Plus my lack of enthusiasm for sports simply did not allow for gravity defiance and other such nonsense. Just because Jesus walked on water does not mean that one has to attempt the impossible – could be construed as being presumptuous, even blasphemous.

However, the main goal was achieved – no bloody hurdles for me.

But back to the point – hesitation, the dilly-dallying, the wavering when faced with the sheer unconquerable, the unscalable, the seemingly un-doable will make any obstacle into Mount Etna or something. Enter the doubts and boom! you are in for visualisations of doom, of failure and all around loser-dom. And - need I say - you fail, fear becomes truth, nay reality, you baulk (and stand IN FRONT OF the bloody hurdle). 
What if – crazy thought alert – we switched off that overly busy mind of ours, remain in the moment, no past, no future. Very Zen. VERY difficult!

Yet also truly the only way, after all the past cannot be changed, the future is unforeseeable.
All we have is that fleeting moment which we have got to make the best of, live it to the fullest to the best of our abilities.  

Ah, the sheer simplicity of it all! Were it not for our fear, our ego, our pride.
We cling to times gone by, moments lost, minutes past, long to get back to a time when all was golden. Oh how we wish we could… if only.
Similarly, we paint our future, sometimes rosy, sometimes black, we predict and guess and basically worry too much.
Yet our remaining in the Here and Now is complicated, even spoiled by said fears, ego, and pride – that being our true weakness.
And another truth universally acknowledged: it is only the moment which counts, and which can be truly ours.
Surprisingly, even I do understand the concept of that.

Truly living this way, however, is an entirely different matter. It’s hard work, so if one is not  prepared to let go of at least some of those comforts we seems to amass in the course of our lives, then please do not bother at all. We would need to take off our life jackets made of complacency, laziness, apathy, and indifference, however reluctantly. Ironically, we know full well that they don’t keep us afloat at all but rather tend to drag us down into abysses of inactivity, and eventually unhappiness. Yet still we keep them on for fear of the unknown.

We exchange our sobriety for a bag full of worries and fears. Think about that!

And that right there seems to be the root of all evil, the Ur-obstacle as it were.
We are wired to be cautious, to be apprehensive.
We are wired to be frightened of things, to fear the unknown especially – that ensured survival in times when we inhabited caves and our surroundings were less than hospitable. To this day we carry this fear. The caves may have gone, so have predators that may have been dangerous to us in the olden cave dwelling days, yet the unknown has us scared out of our wits as it were.

Now, we are not really aware of our fears – whatever they may be – when we’re fine and all is roses. But woe to those experiencing problems, difficulties, facing – dare I say it – challenges. Oh, then boom! They are there. En masse. Everywhere. All the time. And they don’t let go. They hold you good and tight. Being paralysed by fear - that’s where that comes from.

What is worse though, is that our fears seem to directly have our ear. They lead us to believe that in the past everything was just so much better and that we all should go back to that but since we can’t the status quo is the only and best way for us to be. Change really only ever gets us further away from that and even further from that golden past were all was cosy and we were safe. And if that past was not that then all the more reason to remain where you are, right, ‘cause you don’t want to go back, it was awful back then.
So: Status Quo!

Our past, our life/live experience is our yardstick, - for better or worse.
People don’t say “you learn from experience” for nothing.
You learn from your mistakes.
A burnt child dreads the fire.
Need I go on?

Could it not also be true that experience can make you blind? And deaf?
I believe so. Namely, when you are so caught up in that one life lesson that you believe it to be the only valid one, the only true experience – again for better or for worse.  

So it may be good to do things differently from time to time, to NOT panic, to NOT accept the same old same old because it’s always been done like this and don’t fix it if it ain’t broke.  

Oh, make no mistake, it can be quite a heady thing going all out and giving it your all and then - oh wonder - making it across that hurdle, accepting the challenge and winning It makes you feel ecstatic and immensely proud.
On the other hand, it can bloody hurt when you fail.
The only thing that indicates however is that fear had the upper hand once more, that you gave in to that. It means that you need to spend a little more time getting to that „empty space“ in your head, the zone or whatever. It means that you should practice to visit the furtur less often. Instead, stay here, do not be scared. Be inspired.

My own personal hurdle I took bravely and with grace: two cheese straws and a coffee, please.

Friday, December 12, 2014

The Winter Of Our Discontent

I have had a letter today. From my best friend.
The past months have been eventful for her to say the least. I know because I have been there for parts of it. So while reading her letter I could not help but notice that she sounded wistful. Like she longed for something else than what she had. Like she was desperate to break free.

And here I was all the time thinking that she had it all. Now, I am not so sure.

I am not so sure anymore about anybody whom I labelled successful, settled; anybody that I shoved in to a neat little box of "content" or "happy" or "with kids" or "married".
Because everything is not as it seems. I have noticed this in the past couple of weeks with quite a number of things. However, being me, I am never QUITE aware of this knowledge. At least not in the moments when I should be. It's that hindsight-thing again, you see.

Could it be that whatever happiness is, is defined by other people?
Is that the reason that we are all so miserable? So unhappy with our lot. So very deep in the Winter of our Discontent? I am not speaking of luxury goods and yachts and being spoilt rotten and still complaining whilst there are women, children, and men who do not have enough food to eat, no clothes to wear, no bed, no house to sleep in. That is undeniably happening in our world today but this is not what I am writing about at this precise moment in time, in this post, in this blog, insignificant though it is.

I am speaking of being strangely unhappy and almost cold in the face of the achievements in your own life so far of which you should be proud, which should fill you with joy and happiness, with a sense of self and a knowledge of who you are and what you can do.

My friend's lines saddened me. Because she described what I usually feel... an unwavering longing for something that will finally, finally make the voice in my head stop saying "Right, that's done. What's next!?"
Like a drill sergeant this voice has, I believe, many of us rushing towards the next task, the next hurdle and all the time we are wondering, will I be good enough this time? And then there is always the darker version sounding a little like this: one of these days they are going to call my bluff.

And when I say rushing towards the next task, I do not mean it literally but more often than not life does not have us juggling just one plate. There is never just one other thing that we must do. There are many. We are thrown in at the deep end and have to either sink or swim. And nobody wants to sink. So we struggle and hope it works out. And when it does then there is the next thing to consider and do. And the next and so on and so forth.

I am far away from knowing how to solve this. I am just observing and recording.
But perhaps for the time being that is enough. 

Friday, February 1, 2013

Rock 'n Roll Luck

In 2011, Alex Turner, Esq. was reported to have complained at a party about the lack of pretty girls with whom to flirt. I only found out today. Gosh! HOW did I miss this?

Yup, finger on the pulse. That's me. 

But this nugget of information struck me as something quintessentially true for all the parties I went to, in company or alone - the only difference being, that in my case the handsome boys were conspicuous only by their absence. Shameless behaviour, I say. 

I am sure, Alex Turner for all his wit (and bonus material I am equally sure) should have no trouble in the flirt-department. (I mean, he used to bed Alexa Chung for crying out loud.) Alas, it seems Master Turner can only get his flirt on with a pretty girl. Sissy! We are not even talking smart, intelligent, funny. No we are concentrating purely on looks alone. Ah, the unfairness of it all!

Ha, I say. Come to my end of town and I show you what I have to put up with. 
The nasty boys, the stupid boys, the infantiles, the boys who’ll be boys, the chatty boys, the idiots, the wankers, the ones that can’t dance, the ones that won’t dance, the outright rude ones, the stalkers, talkers, the drinkers, the drunks, the bad kissers, the pests, the machos, the show-offs, the uglies, the fuglies, the loonies, the Roonies, … By Cooper, she’s starting to rhyme…
Anyway, you get the point. It’s like we’re continually out of “handsome”.  Oh, and you can forget about “smart”, “intelligent”, and “funny”, too.

It kind of makes you want to say, get a life, Alex! You’re a singer in a band, the songs you write are pretty good, too. They’re the kind that are either quietly to the point or so poetic that despite their obscurity the tug at one’s heartstrings is unmistakably felt and not easily forgotten. You’ve got that rock ‘n roll je ne sais quoi. So what exactly have you got to complain about, huh?
Oh right, no pretty girls at the party.

Well let me tell you something. Here in the world of The-Sad-End-of-Thirty, there’s no fucking pretty and there is no one flirting anymore either, alright.
At least, most of the time it seems that way. And you can “still feel younger than you thought you would by now” but what good is that in the face of time’s cruel jokes on women’s bodies. And no, my maturity did not get me over the fact that the older a woman gets the less she is seen, as in noticed and appreciated.
There’s none of that, mate.
There is, however, a time of day that’s called the Wallowing Hour. You know why? Because without it we would simply jump off a flippin’ bridge or something.

It’s in this short hour that all the frustration comes out, all pettiness, all the heartaches, the worries, the paranoia, all the insecurities and pain.
And then one gets on with it again as if nothing was ever wrong. That is after all what one does these days. Despite the fact there are no decent men in town, despite the fact that one is turning into one’s mother, and despite the fact that one feels damned inadequate and a bloody failure.
(Oh, haven’t you heard?! Yeah, teenage angst never really goes away.)

Really, get to my fuckin’ age and tell me again about “pretty”. But the sad fact is you’d probably still believe the world owes you pretty girls. And even sadder: you’d get them, too. 



Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Wrong, Just Wrong

I somehow managed to wreck my layout.
Now I have tried to recreate it - but it doesn't feel quite right.
It's like I have moved again and the new abode still has a strange feel to it.

The Void may agree that what we hold dear to our hearts must ideally never change.

However, The Ever-Knowing Void will now lift the proverbial finger (if it had any. HA!) and point to the fact that -

Change is inevitable. Change in fact is the only thing constant in our lives.

Have I said that before? Perhaps. Goes to show my life is a fuckin' re-run.

Point: I will of course endeavour to overcome my childish aversion to the new and continue writing on this here page that is in its entirety dedicated to The Void.

Amen.


P.S. One good deed a day, right?

Sunday, January 13, 2013

Please Continue

Ah, the new year.
Still so fresh and unspoiled.
Let's see how long that lasts.
I know, ever the optimist...


Is it not strange how we expect the worst... of events, of others, of ourselves?


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Must Try Harder


Class has not been able to make any progress whatsoever on yesterday's puzzle.

Wondering now whether task was too difficult. Will try and propose it at a later time, hoping to see at least some results.


I find myself dumbfounded. This, of course, does not mean that I usually know what to say. But in this particular situation I am, alas, powerless. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were.

"Go with your gut" - does not help. My gut is as likely to be as much help here as a car mechanic in an emergency room.

Of course, strictly speaking, naturally it is not ME I am talking about here. It is all hypothetical.
We are moving in the realm of ideas and scenarios. Cases, if you will.

So going back to yesterday's cryptic musings:

Fact: the cheater has cheated.
Fact: the cheater has not told.
Argument: the cheater has thus lied twice, by cheating in the first place and by omission.
Counter-argument: it's for the best, what the other doesn't know won't hurt them.
Argument: the cheater needs to tell, no good comes from lying.
Counter-argument: it's for the best, what the other doesn't know won't hurt them.

See the problem?

Now what if we'd introduce a different aspect, like the cheater is acting out of spite and whishes to hurt the other party. In so doing, the cheater hopes to find relief, clearing of his conscience and the possibility of sharing a certain burden of responsibility. All at the expense of the other - the alleged victim.
But what if the victim is not so much that but a partner in crime? What if they are equally to blame for the situation that has arisen?

Clearly, I have watched too much "The Good Wife".
Good show, though. Takes your mind off things.
Unfortunately, not always and never quite.

Session adjourned.

P.S. Must get a gavel... (I hope you're reading this, Santa.)

Sunday, December 9, 2012

The Ticket


According to James Norman Hall, "loafing is the most productive part of a writer’s life".

True.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

16:37

That is the time I managed to heave my old bones out of bed. And I am proud of it! Eat that, Early Bird!

Also I look out of the window and at the mighty endless blue sky, the clouds making shapes and funny faces and I must confess: it leaves me totally unimpressed.

So what we've had a bit of an under-developed Summer?! Why this need for perfection, why this unhappiness?

And why oh why this blatant disregard of the need for acceptance and gratitude. I should inform the Bradley Police!

Also I am confused as to why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the blooming weather. Since it looks like this is what it's gonna be from now on we should really get used to the fact of Summers being either rainy and fiendishly cold affairs or so desert-like that we may witness a rise in things such as Riding a Camel - Beginners Classes, or How to decorate your Drifting Dune.
I do believe it has been made sufficiently clear that the chances of this weather/climate business ever getting better again are super slim (they're like the skinny jeans, the drain pipes of meterology). I mean it's clear that it's downhill from here, right? It's NOT going to get better (unless each and everyone of us decides to vacate and locomote at exactly the same time) and thus it's a bit like aging. You can't fight it, you can't win. Best thing you CAN do is do it gracefully.

So here I am gracefully sleeping in on sunny days, gracefully sticking to the shade and gracefully declining invitations to activities that involve exposure to UV rays.

Really, I am all about grace these days. I am practising detachment. I am not pissing and moaning about things I have no control over. You should try it some time. It's so liberating.

Only problem now: what am I going to do with that Bangin' Bikini Bod of mine?!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Talk About Over-Compensating

I leave this space blank for weeks at a time in order to pen - with tremendous effort, I might add - one big ol' lump of thougths.
Must try to be more consistent.
However, I have been struggling with yesterday's post for ages. Said lump of thoughts has been sitting with me, staring me in the face, stubbornly refusing to take shape. I kept writing and deleting ad nauseam.
So forgive me for feeling a little smug today.
Some people cure terrible diseases, I muddle through and finish a damn post that's been a long time coming. Results, clearly! On a different scale to be sure. But still...

So, Coop, what you say we be grateful for a moment here? You for all your big piles of money and I for showing some tenacity for a change.
Deal!

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Golly...

... it has been quite some time.

I will not go on and on about it. I shall be sweetness and light.
For which there are plenty of reasons.

Actually, no. No!
I am not going to spend one whole entry fibbing about how bloody happy I am ALL the BLOODY TIME.
Because I am not. Alright? Satisfied?

Of course I am happier, A LOT happier. Actually I am REALLY happy.
But I am also simply shattered, knackered, exhausted, debilitated, frazzled even.

My Doc says it was ok to be tired in times of transition. I love that. I also love that Doc seems to appreciate the nature of my reality right now: happiness aside, I am still only human and have not suddenly mutated into Zeus' illegitimate daughter with super magic goddess powers.
Wait - weren't all his children misbegotten - out of wedlock an' all?
Alright so I'd be one in a long line of bastard children whose mothers were kidnapped, tricked, rained upon (I still find that one kind of disturbing and a little disgusting, too), played for a fool by this dirty old man. And he was married to his sister, for crying out loud... but I'd also be one kick-ass immortal who would not be tired out by a few double-shifts and pondering too hard on - dare I say it - the past. I'd just shrug and get on with it. Heck, I'd re-write the past and eradicate all villains in my story. THAT's what I would do.

HOWEVER, it has turned out I have no magic super powers. (Shocking, right?!)
My powers are sub-par at present.
I am not as irritable as a bear just out of hibernation but I am sure as energetic.

So Doc says to take it easy. Be patient with thyself. Get some rest.
Well if I could I would not need her to tell me that. But such ist life.

What else is new?
I have settled more or less in my new flat. Things are still all over the place. But I cannot be bothered due to aforementioned problem of too little sleep.

I have still not overcome delayed rage. Still harbour sinister thoughts against a person of the past.
Wonder whether these will ever turn into deeds...

Have ordered rifle catalogues online.

Only joking.

Apart from the superficial and, I suppose, rather average tiny things of the every-day variety, I have noticed something which does not strike me as unsettling or even mildly surprising, which says to me that I should not worry. If anyone (anyone?) else wishes to do so, feel free and be more than welcome.

It is something I have been feeling all my life, more or less - and I am not unique in feeling thus. I am not making myself out to be. I am just stating a fact here.
Namely that a person can feel - while the turmoils of a certain part in their lives have been resolved and put to rest, while new beginnings have been made and things have turned out for the better - a kind of happiness, or relief but also finds that it is temporary, fleeting.To many, I have found, it seems to be that way. To equally as many this is a sign that something's wrong. Because: if they are not happy all the time, something MUST be wrong with them.

Who in their right mind is happy all the time, I ask.
Who honestly aspires to that?!
Naturally, if quizzed, a lot of us state: happiness. Whatever that may entail for the individual.
But that is the question right there isn't it. What's it mean to be happy, to have happiness in life? Is it fame, is it health, is it the car/the house/the yacht/the trophy wife, is it having enough money to live comfortably, is it love?
This despite the fact that we are told by those apparently in the know that failure, hardship, even sickness is the "stuff" that growth is made of and that in times of crises we must turn to ourselves to find answers, for all the riches and fame in the world will not solve your issues. (Though it helps I have been told.)

My happiness is a fickle thing. It never stays long and often leaves a sense of melancholy behind and then a kind of stressed-out feeling. I do believe this stems from my habit of making the proverbial second step before the first. (Oh, time was when I would attempt to take the 5th or even the 10th before I had even started to take steps at all.) I sort of live in the future in the sense that I worry about what may or may not happen. My life is a chores-list and after one chore is crossed off I move on to the next. I do not feel satisfaction about the things (little as they may seem to others) I have achieved, accomplished. I do not feel pride. I rarely feel joy about them. It's just something I've done. Can we move on now?
I do not celebrate the bigger events in life, so do not even talk to me about the small ones.
Should this really be down to my inability to stay "in the moment" as it were? Yup, 'cause what I do instead is leave the present in order to speculate frantically about my future. And that I really (really!) cannot know or control.

My little friend called D.R. (the one that frequently leads me down the path of anger towards a certain person of my past) is also in on it. He likes to shackle me to said past. And I let him. I invite questions of WHY oh why things happened and I create ever different scenarios of what I should have done. Only problem is, of course, I cannot change what has gone before. I may know it but again I cannot control it.

It's an old hat, I know... all this being able to live right here in the present moment and how difficult it can be for one that is so easily distracted, that is so misguided and insecure.
However, the older I get, the more I get it - which is not to say that I am any good at practising it.

My mind wanders on very sturdy legs every day all day. It has not learned to be still. It offers opinions, it spouts them like a never-ending well, bubbling, teaming with incessant "talk" of likes and dislikes. I am thus only the passenger. I get carried away, in the truest sense. Not least from myself.

So, I figure, happiness would be detachment, being still within oneself, shutting the hell up.

Not sure how to break this to my overly chatty mind, though. "Right, Past and Future are off bounds, you hear me?" Yeah, that's really gonna work so well! And it doesn't stop there, does it now. Any kind of judgement would be on the list of no-go's. What is to become of my little rants?! I have to ask myself here,  Am I really ready to part with my tantrums and my bouts of self-righteous anger, my regular moments of complacency? I do cherish feeling superior. (Sue me! Like all of us ever only criticise others in order to help them. Bollocks!)

You see, it is a big decision. And I shall take my time making it.
And I shall take my chances with feeling a little happy now and then and dog-tired in-between.
Clearly, it is not bad enough yet for me to do anything about it all.
I simply have a high pain threshold and my "too much effort" radar is super-sensitive at present.
Does that make me a bad person? No.
It simply shows once more how strong one's resistance to new things truly can be.

Ah, times of transition, eh...

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Nothing Wrong With That

Today I have indulged in some retail therapy. I know I have been banging on about happiness of late. Well not so much here - because I was simply to exhausted and lazy (remember: TWO jobs) - but to colleagues and friends and pretty much anyone who listened.

However, something was missing in my life... yup - clothes.
Don't get me wrong I have not NOTHING to wear. I have a few things, but my warderobe has become so limited that I and it was in dire need.

I say this with all honesty: some had just given up and came apart at the seams. This they did on account of my at present rather shapely derrière. I have the matching thighs to go with it, too. It was sort of a 2 for 1 deal. And clothes can only take (read: strech) so much, I have been told.
Some of my trousers actually got eaten by the bike. Yes, THE bike.
I managed to get various trouser legs mangled in my bicycle chain.
That was fun as I was nearly thrown off while the fabric got churned and mangled and kept pulling me nearer and nearer to the handle bars and off the saddle.
What's that? OF COURSE I was wearing trouser clips! It just so happens that they're no bloody use when you have to bike it into work and the only thing you have left to wear are some ridiculously wide Marlene-Dietrich-type trousers. Really what I should have done was roll the damn legs up to my hip joint. But being the considerate ME that I am I chose not to and thus spared the drivers of cars and lorries and busses etc. a rather unsightly wake-up call early-ish in the morning.

So basically half my items do not fit, a quarter is unmendable and another quarter is ripped to pieces by either my heroic efforts to at least pretend to get some exercise or the fact that they rip on their own account. Just like that. It's like your clothes are giving you the finger.

But fear not - I have re-stocked the closet. All in moderation of course. I am all about moderation these days... (snort). Honestly though, I could not afford much anyway. Unlucky for me I still managed to go over budget.
But as this will have been the last shopping trip for quite some time, I believe I can get away with it this time.

Now I am even happier than before, would you believe, though a little poorer, too.
Yet - it was all very much necessary. I could not keep on wearing winter garments, Summer decided to wreak full havoc as of RIGHT NOW. Once more we kind of skipped Spring this year and opted for muggy conditions. Really no good to me. And especially tiresome without the right attire.

Anyway, rambling again - swiftly moving on - just wanted to say that I am not sure what it is about new clothes that make you feel nice - but they do and I like it.

Leaves the topic of how to reduce that above mentioned backside and the matching upper legs. And yes I am still clinging on to that last bit of hope that one day I will get up the energy (from whence I cannot say as yet) and go for a jog four times a week or something or do sit-ups and other such nonsense on a regular basis.
Because yes, personally I would love to return to a time when I and my joints and back were the same age. These days we sort of move at opposite ends of the spectrum. Not a good look.

So... what is one to do?

Thoughts?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Dear Void,

I was not sure you'd miss me and I am still cautious - you may be lying. Lying by omission, sort of.
You have been omitting from day one so I am in fact super-cautious.
Be that as it may - here's a little update, just so YOU know what I have been up to while I am - once again - left in the dark.

No. It's not a complaint.
It's alright. Really.

Thursday, 12th April I lowered the blinds in my old flat for the last time, I had a last cigarette. I did a lot of things for the last time that evening. It's a long list, believe me when I tell you. The next morning, Friday 13th, for the last time I saw the bakery switch on the shop lights, I heard early morning's blackbirds and blue tits once more, had my last cup of coffee. It was a morning of goodbyes. Not the soppy kind but the ones where it's ok to move on and to be happy.
And that Friday I also did a lot of things for the first time. A very happy-making experience, indeed.

A little symphony of lasts and firsts.

Fortunately, the newness has not rubbed off yet.
I still cannot quite believe it when every morning I wake up to birdsong instead of the bloody tram rattling by my flat.
I am still in a sort of box-limbo and will remain so for quite some time.
When I move from room to room I have to navigate a little. Things are sometimes a little hard to find.
Yup, I do a lot of searching and digging around these days. Not so much of the soul-search variety, I admit.

'Course I am still un-packed! What self-respecting single hipster on the move would be entirely organised and set up in their new abode?!

For now this will have to suffice. I am a busy woman. This is sooo a one-off!!! It's also a bit against the rules, I have to admit. So I'll go.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

A What Is Gonna Come?!

It's certainly not CHANGE. Not here, not now and apparently not any time soon.

I have been wondering lately: does it happen over time? Or does it come over night?
Does it start out slow and small or is it like "now you see it, now you don't" - just the other way round, clearly.

You'd think there are plenty of examples either way, and I am sure there are. But consider this: there is a school of thought (well not really a SCHOOL but hey!) that argues that the only constant in our lives is change and that change is all about the little things that MAKE change happen.

So the big changes in one's life, in history, in science, in thought, anywhere really do not come with one loud bang and overnight. They do take their time, they sometimes need to be coaxed, prodded, subtly pushed. They grow, like flowers, like weeds and they will not be rushed. It takes preparation and conditions that are "just right", that are conducive to growth in any possible way, to development, to evolution.

Fine, so what of it?! Big deal, change ain't happening super fast - somehow we knew that, right. Any, ANY, diet could have taught you that by now.
And change does not necessarily come from sitting on one's backside all day, either. Yup, figures.

It really is about the little things. (Again with the little things!)
By that I mean the constant willingness of wanting to achieve change and the refusal to just snap back into old habits, comfy patterns, lame excuses of "it's always been done this way".
That is how a person evolves. That is how a situation can be altered.

Esssentially that means that when I go to sleep with the idea or rather the hope that tomorrow I will be able to do at least ONE thing differently, better, more thorough, and I wake in the morning and as the day progesses I change certain habits, then you could say, change happens over night. It's little, it's a start but if one is lucky enough to be able to stick to it, to become better at it and more dedicated to it everyday, these minute changes will cumulate and will result in something bigger. Who knows it may entice others to attempt the same. That said, it is not about getting others to change with you or beat them at it or to it.

It just occured to me that this surely has all been said before by much smarter people in much more eloquent ways.
So I'll shut up.

And yes, I do feel a little stuck and like nothing is changing. I admit it. And a little low, too and like a number of things are not working they way I had intended for them to be working. Story of my life.

And what I am going to do now is I'm gonna stick my behind on the couch and not do anything remotely change-like. I am going to sulk and moan and pitty myself a bit.
And then I shall indulge in a glass of water and a salad and some fruit instead of chocolate.

Baby-steps, remember!

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Caption? What Caption?

I am half-way there. Have signed the lease agreement, am awaiting counter-signature and that will be that.
To be honest, I have no clue how I am going to manage this all. This being The Move.

Turns out I have no man, no van, just flippin' boxes.
A single gal's dilemma.

Perhaps it is indeed time to take - as Alex Turner put it so wonderfully - the batteries out my mysticism and put them in my thinking cap.

Yup, will do.



Shalalala.





P.S. The Hellcat Spangled Shalalala? Hello!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

There's Always More

You know how people say that one should travel light. 
I believe this to be true for both actual travelling and living. 

Note: before moving, do clear out your belongings. Because it is a known fact that if the burden is too great you will find yourself not actually moving at a noticable speed or worse, not at all. In live and on a journey. I am sure you have experienced one or the other at one stage in your life. 

Ah, but now for the moment of truth. 
For the past few years I have thought myself as someone with few possessions. I have considered myself as living light - at least in comparison to other people I know who own flats, whole houses, cars, holiday homes, stock bonds, pets... you name it. But in the cold light of day and with boxes waiting to be packed I have reached a grim conclusion. That which seemed straightforward and manageable now blatantly spells chaos. It is cumbersome and messy. 
In short I am not a fan.

I remember the days when all my belongings would fit into the back of a Vauxhall. Come to think of it that was when I lived in furnished rooms in flatshares, so I am not sure whether that counts. 
But as the years roll on and by you find yourself buying sofas, a bigger closet, more book shelves etc. 
And that is when you usually realise a) you are getting old (because let's face it who in their right mind buys a sofa when they are twenty-something. I was able to prolong that particular moment until I was thirty-odd years of age and I must say I am proud of that!) and b) that the older you get the more things you accumulate for the sake of comfort apparently. 
So far I have managed to stear clear of the possibly inevitable kitchen purchase, Lady Luck was on my side where washing machines and hoovers were concerned, I have always lived with someone who owned these things and was willing to share. 
But oh, how the mighty have fallen... at some point in the not so distant future I will have to consider these household appliances in earnest and make a decision - however, I will cross that bridge once I get there. Until then I shall carry on with my borrowed and inherited bits and bops. 
If need be I can get by on very little. And the way it looks right now, this theory will soon be tested. 
Haven't you heard, I am facing two months of having to pay rent x two. Plus the actual move, plus plus plus - do I really have to spell it out - it is going to cost me an arm AND a leg. 

On the other hand: less money, less stuff to cram flat with. 



P.S.
I know... This could be my Post-Move Fast.
 
Only set-back: it's going to take longer than 40 days.  

Saturday, March 3, 2012

In With The Good

... And The New And The Exciting.
Oh, I have had delightful news this week.
More soon.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Could It Be Magic

Looked at flats.
One of them could be my new haven.
If all goes well...

A kindly friend picked me up to look at them together. All afternoon I had been super nervous.
It was like final exams all over again. Sweaty palms, palpitations, queasy feeling in stomach area, you name it.
But I made it. And as a result may have found a little flat for little moi.
Of course the nerves had totally obliterated my ability to think rationally and clearly. Common sense was conspicuously absent, too. Thus, all I managed was to squeak out questions in between gasps of delight and wonder. Not necessarily the right kind of questions, the ones any sane person would come up with. Like what about the deposit, what about the estate agent's fee? The list goes on, believe me.
Hey, cut me some slack!
I viewed a newly refurbished decent-sized flat with a big kitchen, a PROPER bathroom and CENTRAL heating! I have been living on a building site the past couple of months http://somethingstartsnow.blogspot.com/2011/12/war-zone-and-fa-la-la-la-la-la-freakin.html ? Not to mention: http://somethingstartsnow.blogspot.com/2012/02/winter-of-my-discontent.html !
I COULD NOT HELP MYSELF!
It was a bit like leaving the Cookie Monster unsupervised. In a shop. With cookie jars. Full of delicious, still warm chocolate chip cookies. And the chocolaty bits are sticky and soft and ... alright, you get the idea.

Anyway, all I am saying is:
Fingers crossed!
And even though the Void does not have fingers, forget about opposible thumbs, I would like to think that IT does IT's special magic-y thing to help me out.
All in the name of the greater benefit of the universe, of course.
Haven't you heard - happy me, happy u-niverse.
It's that simple.

No, really - I would love for this to go right. REALLY VERY MUCH (and, yes I know I am using a LOT of capitals today. It's just to show just how important this is to me, in case it had slipped anyone's notice).

And if you can be grateful in advance, then I am herewith.
VERY!
Cooper, watch out!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Out With The Old

Cleaning, yet again. After two weeks of builders trudging in and out of my flat and me spending my weekends cleaning up a little as best as I could, the building work seems done and all is left for me is . . . yup, cleaning.
Am on hands and knees to get paint and mortar off floor. Super fun!

I do not consider this spring cleaning.
A) Spring has not yet come and no, a day of mild weather DOES NOT count!
B) Really, what would be the point? I shall not turn this place upside down just so that I can move out in a few weeks (fingers crossed).

No! I have decided I shall live in a tip. I shall let things fall where they fall and not give a damn.
Personally I would really like to mess this place up. But time is short and I would need a bit of time to plan and then for that plan to be put into action.

I cannot just go and get a blow torch. That would certainly look too suspicious.
Plus, where would be the fun in that?! It would be over too quickly.

I was more thinking along the lines of leaving things to rot underneath the floorboards, getting vermin to shack up in this place, eventually taking over the whole house. HA!

Sorry, my mind just does that sometimes. It goes creepy places.

Of course, I am not going to do any of the above.
And I will NOT turn into a horder in the next couple of weeks.
Though, sometimes I do feel like that.
I mean, the things we keep. Jeeez.
The clothes we have not worn for years.
The books we will never read.
The music that we do not listen to and never will.
The papers/magazines/newspaper articles we do not throw out.
The bits and bops we have cluttering up surfaces.
And by we I really mean I.

Funnily enough though, I am not generally obsessed when it comes to keeping things. I like to clean out once in a while.
I can let go (apparently much better where objects are concerned) and throw away. I do not feel remorse and end up digging through the garbage trying to retrieve that one special piece I cannot ever part with. It just so happens that between the cleaning sessions I manage to get so much STUFF.

So I will use this opportunity - certainly a good idea with a move looming on the horizon - to sort and sift through the things that have accumulated.

Ah, but there is always a BUT: occasionally it happens that I do find myself entering into a bit of a frenzy. I almost cannot seem to stop. It has never got too bad, but I am worried. And I also ask myself - if the urge to do something - like cleaning out one's life and all that is connected - is so strong should one not do it as thoroughly as possible?

I know, suddenly the phrase throwing one's life away gets a whole new meaning, huh?

I suppose it would be interesting to find out what I can and cannot do without.
I am sure there are a great many things in my life that are a waste of space, a waste of energy.

Would you believe it, while the thought is so very much intrigueing, I am too scared to act accordingly.
Like the rest of us, I cling to certain "security blankets".
And though I am a grown woman, I am not woman enough to loosen my grip. To actually disengage from superficial comforts, from naff habits, from a life-style that is costing too much and is still not enriched.

Which brings us back to cleaning out. Come to think of it, really fasting is another way of cleaning out.
But does it work in the long run?
Not sure, apparently that depends on how thorough and not least disciplined you are.
And if it doesn't... well, there's always next year, right?


So for me it's one OR the other. Two things at a time - never a good idea.
And, surprise, I choose cleaning.
Seriously, you DO NOT want to get or see me fasting (tell you what though, be grateful you are spared and while you're at it put that on your Cooper-List).

My life will be clutter-less.
And I stubbornly believe that it will eventually rub off on me and make me want to live and eat healthier.


... yeah, and pigs fly.

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