Growth Spurt

There have been moments of clarity of late. Am a little astonished myself.
Not entirely convinced that it has to do with the sparkly magical new beginnings that new years are said to bring.
Maturation seems to come at strange times, in strange forms - certainly NEVER when you expect it.
A bit like miracles, come to think of it.

What I understand now is that the man, for whom I was inexplicably pining, and I have nothing but nothing in common. He never really cared (for me) or perhaps he was too preoccupied and arrogant or just simply scared and damaged.
That is fine, though. It really is. I am damaged goods, too in a way.
I mean, who isn't? But neither of us could have made the other one happy. I guess the more important aspect of this realisation is that HE could not have made ME happy.
I had thought or hoped for a long time that he could. Understanding that is quite a step forward for me. I am grateful for it. It's taken quite a bit of energy.
And now I can let that thought, that idea, go.

I'd be lying if I said I came through this "just like that" - clearly it did not happen "just like that". My "just like that" is inclusive of the struggle, the tears, the pain. "Just like that" also means the time it all took.
Paradoxically though, I believe in a way it IS a true description, like it did come out of the blue and easily and - totally like effortless...
Because it feels so right, because I feel relief, because I do not need to hold on any longer.

And since there is no need, no struggle now it IS "just like that" that I can move on. Is there regret? Is there sadness? Regret, no. Sadness, yes. A little. About the fact that I have made myself miserable and didn't understand that it was no fault of mine things did not work out.
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment (it's perhaps more of a process) when I felt that relief, relief for me, and when the absolute certainty came that letting go is the right thing. But what I know now is that everything else before was simply fear.

Suppose we are one another's teachers, I believe I have just learned my lesson.