Less Is More

Looks like I will be working a bit more. Therefore, the writing will ... well, kind of grind to a halt.
Just saying.

Ich war auf dem Nachhauseweg nach einem Termin und ging die mir wohl bekannten Straßen im Westend Richtung Opernplatz. Man kommt natürlich unweigerlich an den Hochhäusern vorbei. Und natürlich haben sie irgendetwas an sich, das einen verweilen läßt. Es ist ihre Größe. Es sind die Lichter, die einem suggerieren, da drin wird nie geschlafen; einer ist immer wach, um irgend etwas zu tun. Und das muss ja dann bedeuten, dass es was Mordwichtiges ist, das "da drinnen" gemacht wird. Gut, das ist sicherlich Ansichtssache.
Aber ich spreche aus Erfahrung, wenn ich sage, dass man in manchen Situationen vom angeblich so Wichtigen, das (ebenso angeblich) noch unbedingt erledigt werden muss, fast verschlungen wird, weil man sich nicht wehrt, weil man manchmal sogar freiwillig mitmacht bei der eigenen Versklavung und entscheidend daran Anteil hat, dass die Lichter nie ausgehen.

Ich stand also vor diesen Hochhäusern und legte meinen Kopf in den Nacken, um mir ihre Größe bewusst zu machen. Mir wurde nicht schwindlig, ich war auch nicht berührt von Ehrfurcht oder Staunen, ob dieser menschlichen Leistung. Nichts von dem spürte ich.
Ich fühlte nämlich gar nichts. Keine Wehmut. Keine Bitterkeit. Keinen Ärger über die verschenkten Jahre.

Ich war nur erstaunt, dass ich jemals in diese "Welt" eingetaucht war. Dass ich wider besseren Wissens gehandelt hatte.
Zugegeben, hinterher ist einem ja immer alles glasklar und man fragt sich gerne mal, warum man das mitgemacht hat, oder mit sich hat machen lassen.
Im tiefsten Innern seines eigenen Herzens weiß man aber, dass niemand sonst seine Finger im Spiel hatte als man selbst.
Ich habe also zu dieser Situation beigetragen, an ihr gestrickt wie an einem Weihnachtsschal.
Ich habe sie herbeigeführt, ermöglicht und ausgehalten.

Und ich fragte mich, ob ich in Zukunft anders handeln und früher die Notbremse ziehen, den Absprung wagen würde/werde.

Das kann ich nicht sagen, das wären nur Spekulationen.
Ich kenne mich, glaube ich, ganz gut. Und daher ist da ein wenig Sorge - aber auch Hoffnung.

Man geht schließlich nicht umsonst durch die Täler, oder?

ODER?!?!

Ooooh

It is the first weekend in December.  

It's the weekend of the Second Advent. 

 It's three more weeks to go to CHRISTMAS. 

Whhheeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

I personally will be indulging in mulled wine, chocolates and maroni and I believe a little bit of sparkling wine to celebrate the fact that I am back to work on Monday. 

Celebrate? 

Yes.

 Yes, indeed! 

This IS something to celebrate. 

I am looking forward to this new part of my life. 

I feel like I am starting afresh, like I'm being given a second chance at trying the whole "actually enjoying the job you do" thing. 

And whilst I am not skipping and jumping down the streets, hugging strangers, believe me when I say I am happy, very happy indeed. Quietly, though. 

Ok, every now and then I make this excited little squeak.  

I believe no Christmas present this year can top my finding a job and getting my life a little bit back to normal. 

Of course, there's still plenty other things to be improved. Isn't it always the way...?! 

Well, there's always next year.

Fingers Crossed

signed the contract . . . it seems I am back in the working world . . .

let's see whether the past months have taught me anything at all . . .




God, I hope so!

Define Happy Medium (cntd.)

Yeah, why DID I feel something’s wrong with ‘small and slow’?

Well, I’ll tell you what’s wrong with it.

Having to justify myself in front of others for that decision

The assumption that my qualifications should put me up for “much more”

The assumption I could do/be so “much more”

The expectation that my ambition is wired that way, that in fact I AM

The dismissal of my fears as irrational, silly and unnecessary

Kinda makes me want to say: Have you spent 12 months in my shoes? No? Then shut the hell up!

Being subjected to all of the above at least some of the time is not helpful in finding my own balance. Neither is listening to it, letting it get to me, of course. But show me the person who brushes such remarks off and goes about their business, content and safe in the knowledge that they are happy. I’ll gladly take lessons from them.

Deep inside I do know that it is MY happiness that I should be concerned about not what others may think of me. Alas, I am not always serenely oblivious to what those around me say or do or think. I keep stumbling over the opinions of others and keep struggling to focus on myself. I keep struggling with doubts.

I am sitting in this car – I have used this metaphor before and at that time I asked whether I was actually in the driver’s seat. Well, what do you know, now I am. Brownie point for me. However, someone pointed out to me only recently that I seem to be scared to drive. I have my foot on the gas and I slowly and carefully press down only to take it off again the next minute. The minute in fact when I actually start moving.

Let me tell you that makes for some jerky driving.

Translated it means that I am indecisive, unable to articulate what I want, because I in fact do not know. Being the control freak and perfectionist that I am I cannot simply take the wheel and drive (not speed, mind!) and see what happens. For that I am far too scared, too. And insecure perhaps. And too much the child of anxious parents.

But coming back to assumptions about potential.

Why is it seemingly unacceptable to be less ambitious than the next person? Why do I have to be pushier, more driven, more passionate? Why do I have to “do better”?

To whose standards, to whose definitions of success and failure do I have to live up to? Well, I know the answer – I am not that dense! We ALL know the answer to that. Of course we do!

Yet, do we live it? Well, I certainly don’t.

I believe once more it all essentially comes back to awareness and being in touch with yourself, and conscious experience. This coming from one who is so obviously lost in her own internal dialogue, is rich I know.

But these musings are simply what I have experienced so far while still not having successfully practised (let alone mastered) detachment. I struggle with such concepts/practises even though I believe them to be universally and profoundly true. Struggling in the sense of having a hard time of actively and consciously incorporating them in my life, which sounds phoney. Actually it should read – having a hard time LIVING it.

I have read about silence, quietening the internal dialogue, non-judgement, the need to get in touch with one’s innermost essence, quiet acknowledgement and the coexistence of opposites . . .

It all strikes a chord within me.

But I am the one seemlingy standing outside a glass window wondering why I am so removed from understanding, not seeing the obvious once more (yup, story of my life): if you want to get inside then you’d best use the door next to the window you’re standing in front of, right?

It seems such a logical thing, such a minor thing to do. It is so blatantly obvious.

And yet I am waiting. Waiting for what?!

Define Happy Medium

Been thinking. So here goes.

It is always difficult to judge how honest you can be in an interview. 

I suppose you have to balance "brutal honesty" - or should that be refreshing - with the white lies, with lying by omission. 

I had to omit a lot lately because I did not want to be perceived as an unbalanced nutcase who cannot handle stress and is constantly on the verge of another meltdown/breakdown. (I am currently reconsidering that. If you accept these facts of your life, and proactively let others know about them, is that not a good thing? Would you be perceived as being weak for that? If so, then move on. If not, well then that is a step in the right direction, the direction you would want to go, right?) Once you're in that box it's difficult to get out. (I wonder whether I put myself in that box from fear of not being strong enough, of not being good enough, of having to go out there and live my life essentially? Hm…)

While trying to convince others that I am the old me I also had to try and convince myself of the same thing - or rather of the fact that I was in a way a new improved version of the old me.

I say in a way because I believe that the last 12 months I have seen a lot, pondered a lot, had to ask myself a lot of questions. Now, I don't claim wisdom and complete enlightenment - but a few insights I have gained. How or if I will be able to incorporate this knowledge into my daily life, my actions, I am not sure yet. Perhaps I am doing it already? Perhaps I am carrying on as before? Seeing that my old friend called crippling self-doubt is still around and hangs out regularly makes me believe the latter. Which in itself is more frustrating than I can say. 

Thus, I am left with a bit of a dilemma – a) not quite knowing how resistant I am to my inclination to take on more than necessary, take everything personal, not be able to set healthy boundaries for myself. Does that sound like I should be seeing someone for that? Believe me, I am. However, this unhealthy disposition I believe I share with a lot of other people. Perhaps we are not necessarily the doers in this world, the movers and shakers as it were. Perhaps we like to stay in the background because that is our comfort zone. Perhaps we care a little too much and give a little too much, forgetting to keep something back for ourselves. We thrive on bringing happiness and joy into other people’s lives, yet we easily neglect our own needs.

And finally b) – not letting those issues hold me back in my search and my attempts to find a job.

A job. Any job?

Well, after over 12 months of being out of the game and several personal crises later I believe I have to concentrate first of all on getting back on the horse. Some high-pressure job should not be what I am looking for – I know that. And it is actually not what I want anyway – never wanted.

I am starting small and slow. That is the way forward. Otherwise I could just shoot myself right now and be done with it, not having learned anything and all.

I don’t want to take on too much because I feel obliged to do so. That old hat of ‘the more I do the more I’ll be appreciated and feel satisfaction in return’. Yeah right, when you look for outside approval you should know that is the perfect set up for a lot of pain and trouble. Just saying.

Coming back to taking things on: I can honestly say that right now I don’t even know I want to take on “much”. Maybe a “little” is fine, too.

So why do I feel something’s wrong with ‘small and slow’?