Cn By Vwl, PLS!

Now that I am re-reading those lines (November 1^st  - ages ago it seems ) written so early in the morning, I am wondering whether they were pre-maturely uttered. Due to the butt-crack of dawn-elation – something a small percentage of the population in general ever experience in their lives. 

Hang on. 
When we were little we must have felt that without fail on Christmas morning, I am sure. But then again it could be argued quite a number of people never were children but started out as uptight naysayers. Anyway, back to my point:

DID I speak too soon?

Well, that I cannot answer for I am not all-knowing and even though some time has passed now and all is arguably not perfect, not even well, I equally do not know what still may or may not happen. For now let’s say the week straight after Brussels was a fine example of depression and listlessness. I was unable to even only get my head around putting in action at least some of the things a friend of mine and I had talked about.

I sat in my flat – catatonically – watch the BBC’s 2009 TV adaption of “Emma” over and over and pretty much any other movie that Romola Garai featured in. That in turn got me watching “Moonlight” with the gorgeous Alex O’Loughlin.

I know…

Needless to mention the consumption of VARIOUS items of what can only be called comfort- if not junk-food.

I am actually not sure which perpetuated what – the overall-low in my mood and the utter lack of hope resulting in the need for comfort in its most basic form that is available to a human of the “single” variety – chocolate in all its shapes and sizes. Or pasta. Or Danish. Or icecream.

Or was it the feeling of guilt at having stuffed my face silly without even having TRIED to give rationality a chance like any (here it is again) RATIONAL being would, thus needing to bury said guilt with even more chocolate. And pasta. And Danish. And icecream.

Does that sound like a person in whose head rationality would have stood a chance at that precise moment in time? Didn’t think so.

YES – in a way I wallowed, ok. Fine.

But I just felt utterly utterly drained. I now ask myself whether discussing the future of my life (or at the very least a few step that may come next) really is that exhausting and what’s more should it be?

I’ve never been the optimistic kind of gal and to be honest the past 12 months weren’t exactly a walk in the park. I get it, no one is perpetually happy – not even those with a sunny disposition. We all struggle and have challenges to overcome. But the fear of the crap continuing paralyses me in a way.

And can I just ask this: Where does it say that the universe wants me to be happy? Where do people get that from? Which cosmic guidelines have they been reading?

Yes, I am one of those who rather have nice things fall in their lap than more and more problems – sue me. After a crappy year I would like to state for the record that I am now ready for some nice things. And can they please start dropping NOW!

Oh, and can I also just say that OF COURSE I know the school of thought that claims that one brings everything – good AND bad – onto oneself.

Boy, I really must hate, no HATE myself if I really did all that.

Interesting thought, though. Self-hate as the source of all evil. That and various ego-related, shall we say, imbalances.

No conclusion, yet. Clearly!