Beginning To Look Like I Feel

... and that is bloated and doughy and overweight, if you want to know.
And it seems Nisse lay across my face last night. There can be no other explanation for the patterns and wrinkles on my visage.

Or I am just getting old...
While I know I am, I am also refusing - and steadfastly so - to let that get me down.
Yeah, I know I'm a laugh a minute.

Business Plan

Thinking of opening ice cream parlour/doughnut shop.
Right next to a fitness studio.
I shall call my shop "Fuck it!"

Get Shit Done

I am actively doing precisely that. Amazing, I know.
Nisse - of course - is no help whatsoever. But at least he let's me get on with it.

Now, that is a bit unfair. It's not his job to help with that kind of thing. So, I guess I am saying sorry.
See, new year, new me.
It's not gonna last - let us not kid ourselves here. So I am making the most of it and hoping for the best.

Growth Spurt

There have been moments of clarity of late. Am a little astonished myself.
Not entirely convinced that it has to do with the sparkly magical new beginnings that new years are said to bring.
Maturation seems to come at strange times, in strange forms - certainly NEVER when you expect it.
A bit like miracles, come to think of it.

What I understand now is that the man, for whom I was inexplicably pining, and I have nothing but nothing in common. He never really cared (for me) or perhaps he was too preoccupied and arrogant or just simply scared and damaged.
That is fine, though. It really is. I am damaged goods, too in a way.
I mean, who isn't? But neither of us could have made the other one happy. I guess the more important aspect of this realisation is that HE could not have made ME happy.
I had thought or hoped for a long time that he could. Understanding that is quite a step forward for me. I am grateful for it. It's taken quite a bit of energy.
And now I can let that thought, that idea, go.

I'd be lying if I said I came through this "just like that" - clearly it did not happen "just like that". My "just like that" is inclusive of the struggle, the tears, the pain. "Just like that" also means the time it all took.
Paradoxically though, I believe in a way it IS a true description, like it did come out of the blue and easily and - totally like effortless...
Because it feels so right, because I feel relief, because I do not need to hold on any longer.

And since there is no need, no struggle now it IS "just like that" that I can move on. Is there regret? Is there sadness? Regret, no. Sadness, yes. A little. About the fact that I have made myself miserable and didn't understand that it was no fault of mine things did not work out.
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment (it's perhaps more of a process) when I felt that relief, relief for me, and when the absolute certainty came that letting go is the right thing. But what I know now is that everything else before was simply fear.

Suppose we are one another's teachers, I believe I have just learned my lesson.

New Year = Old Year (at least for me)

Haven't seen Nisse around. He's disappeared.
Am not surprised. Most men in my life do.

Looking for a new job.
Been in my current one for three years now and it is high time for a change.
Enough with the same old same old.
Enough with the boredom.
Enough with my brain going to pot.
Enough already!