Blogging The Unquiet

I mentioned travelling of the mind the other day. And while I enjoy travelling on my own, I sometimes ask The Gentle Author of http://spitalfieldslife.com/ to take be my the hand and guide me through his/her world.

Wondrous, wondrous walks we take.

There's this  interview with him/her I wish to keep in order to remind myself that indeed, "...writing is the outcome of an unquiet mind."

http://www.66000milesperhour.com/2012/02/the-gentle-author-of-spitalfields-life/

I sometimes wish blogging felt more like collaging or scrapbooking.
I miss that you can't really allow for creative chaos/messiness. At least I never have found a way. My notebooks look so different from the ordered entries with tags and neat lines and the occasional, neatly placed and cut picture.

More scribbling and doodling I say!

When speaking of the unquiet mind and the use a blog can be with that, I must agree but add that blogging seems to fail me at times.
I need the feel of pen on paper like I prefer to read my book in hand and not on a screen.
I am old-fashioned, I am clumsy in this world of sleekness. And sometimes I wonder whether blogging is the right medium for me.

Of course, you cannot argue about the immediacy and number of readers you may reach by just clicking a few keys rather than having it printed on paper which is pretty damn fast these days but still nowhere near fast enough for high-speed info-sharing online.
And I do like "fastness". I am terrible at waiting. I am, however, very good at impatience.

And so I take the very good and fast with the "not REALLY bad" in the guise of a lack of mess and will be happy in the knowledge that I can always choose.
Which is nice, I figure.

Learning Curves Are Tricky Things

Ok, yesterday's rant may have been a little unfair.
To my fellow women in their not-so-sad late 30's.
And to Alex Turner, who after all is only a baby. And let's face it, when you're his age you do think the world owes you pretty girls, or handsome boys for that matter.Most of the time you stumble around not knowing what the fuck you want. That you occasionally still do at the ripe old age of 37.

Some people never grow old, that is to say - I have found out - they never learn. But no matter how old you are or pretend to be, if you belong to the non-learners, you will eventually run out of excuses for behaving like a brat (or prat, your choice). Hope is that non-learners forgive themselves at some point and stop thinking of themselves as failures. Rumour has it that, also eventually, you will stop to give a shit about what others may say or do or achieve or what they're better at.

I feel like a non-learner all the time. And I am still hoping for the point to come that I could give myself a break. Sometimes it works. In the Wallowing Hour. And I find myself letting go a little.
But as always, before you know it, the time's up and you put the gloves back on again and the visor goes down.

I heard someone say once, life hasn't got to be so hard.
Well, it's the way I know it.
What's hard is letting go of old habits.

Rock 'n Roll Luck

In 2011, Alex Turner, Esq. was reported to have complained at a party about the lack of pretty girls with whom to flirt. I only found out today. Gosh! HOW did I miss this?

Yup, finger on the pulse. That's me. 

But this nugget of information struck me as something quintessentially true for all the parties I went to, in company or alone - the only difference being, that in my case the handsome boys were conspicuous only by their absence. Shameless behaviour, I say. 

I am sure, Alex Turner for all his wit (and bonus material I am equally sure) should have no trouble in the flirt-department. (I mean, he used to bed Alexa Chung for crying out loud.) Alas, it seems Master Turner can only get his flirt on with a pretty girl. Sissy! We are not even talking smart, intelligent, funny. No we are concentrating purely on looks alone. Ah, the unfairness of it all!

Ha, I say. Come to my end of town and I show you what I have to put up with. 

The nasty boys, the stupid boys, the infantiles, the boys who’ll be boys, the chatty boys, the idiots, the wankers, the ones that can’t dance, the ones that won’t dance, the outright rude ones, the stalkers, talkers, the drinkers, the drunks, the bad kissers, the pests, the machos, the show-offs, the uglies, the fuglies, the loonies, the Roonies, … By Cooper, she’s starting to rhyme…

Anyway, you get the point. It’s like we’re continually out of “handsome”.  Oh, and you can forget about “smart”, “intelligent”, and “funny”, too.

It kind of makes you want to say, get a life, Alex! You’re a singer in a band, the songs you write are pretty good, too. They’re the kind that are either quietly to the point or so poetic that despite their obscurity the tug at one’s heartstrings is unmistakably felt and not easily forgotten. You’ve got that rock ‘n roll je ne sais quoi. So what exactly have you got to complain about, huh?

Oh right, no pretty girls at the party.

Well let me tell you something. Here in the world of The-Sad-End-of-Thirty, there’s no fucking pretty and there is no one flirting anymore either, alright.

At least, most of the time it seems that way. And you can “still feel younger than you thought you would by now” but what good is that in the face of time’s cruel jokes on women’s bodies. And no, my maturity did not get me over the fact that the older a woman gets the less she is seen, as in noticed and appreciated.

There’s none of that, mate.

There is, however, a time of day that’s called the Wallowing Hour. You know why? Because without it we would simply jump off a flippin’ bridge or something.

It’s in this short hour that all the frustration comes out, all pettiness, all the heartaches, the worries, the paranoia, all the insecurities and pain.

And then one gets on with it again as if nothing was ever wrong. That is after all what one does these days. Despite the fact there are no decent men in town, despite the fact that one is turning into one’s mother, and despite the fact that one feels damned inadequate and a bloody failure.

(Oh, haven’t you heard?! Yeah, teenage angst never really goes away.)

Really, get to my fuckin’ age and tell me again about “pretty”. But the sad fact is you’d probably still believe the world owes you pretty girls. And even sadder: you’d get them, too. 

I Have Lazy Bones. Sue Me!

At 10:44 this morning, I was still in bed. Needless to say flat-grooming has not happened.

It is now 15:54. 

I am weak. I am weak. I am weak. I am weak. I am weak. I am weak. I am weak.  

Need I continue?


Still, I have done one thing thoroughly today and that's travelling of the mind, i.e. reading.
So all is not wasted.

I have also watched clouds chase across the occasional blue spot of sky - which made a nice change to all the gray of recent weeks.

I have watched the builders make quite some progress on the site opposite my house.

I have watched the rain pound against my window.

All was done with dedication. And once more I understood that joy can be found in the little things.

Just because the Void is big does not mean we should forget that it is made up of those very details. There is time and place for each and every one of them to be discovered and enjoyed.

Simply decide upon the where and when.

WWBD?

Indeed, What Would Bradley Do?

I figure, first of all he'd be real grateful for something or other. (I know, this is getting old...)
Secondly, he'd NOT be sitting procrastinatin' - I mean look how far he's come in the world. Despite the fact that he's got a VERY thin-lipped mouth. A lady of my acquaintance once warned me of people with lines for mouths. They are mean and cruel. Her words, not mine. Clearly, she had it wrong somehow. Because it seems they are driven too. And perhaps there needs to be a certain amount of cruelty to get ahead in the world. Maybe it's a secret club. With secret signs and passwords to get you in the inner circle, with measuring tapes for the smallest ... Oh, whatev!

Faced with a problem, good ol Brad'd dig in. Or tell someone to. That comes with the territory and the celebrity pay cheque, I believe. Lucky Coop.
Maybe we should not ask WWBD but WWBAD? A is of course for? Correct, assistant(s).

So having said that it is clear that BC would tidy his flat if that were the most pressing issue of the day - or have someone do that for him. The thing to remember is, Void, he'd get straight to it. No mucking about there!
Since I am not of his monetary calibre, I and I alone will have to get to work. Which looks dire to me, dire, indeed. Oh, the unfairness of it all!

Enough I say. So tomorrow - as all good procrastinators will agree - tomorrow, will be the day I shall invest my time in a flat-overhaul in the cleaning and clearing sense.
Yup, go big or go home, right.
Though experience has shown that over-enthusiasm is the downfall of many a project.
Still, where would be without a little naiveté, hm?

I cannot be stopped, Void!
And I will be at least twice as good as Bradley's cleaning lady ever was! HA! Even if it kills me. And it may...


I shall stop here and save my precious energy for my big day tomorrow.
Watch this space.



P.S. Just so we're clear - I will not experience tomorrow's task as therapeutic or happiness-inducing! 
What am I, Mary freakin' Poppins?!

A Little Colour

goes a long way.

Poetry Pot

_______________________

Give me the Greens

give me the Grays

give me all the In-betweens

Give me the sweetness of

Ealing on Friday mornings

Show me the eyes of Hammersmith

when I rush past on iron tracks

Dilute Piccadilly’s thick blood

for just one day

and let Hungerford Bridge

moan once more when the

last train’s gone

You won’t mistake the Thames

for the Mississippi

and they can’t make you

believe London never sleeps

for she does - when you don’t watch

Close your eyes

you can hear her breathe.

Wander with me through

awakening Clerkenwell

Loose yourself in Chelsea’s mirrors

and meet your Guardian Angel

over a cup of coffee

in Shepherd Market.

Steal all the needles from Saville Row

Pop their balloons in

Covent Garden

and then

stop

Run away towards the sea

like this muddy band

Towards the sky

on dirty pigeon wings

Show me the freckles on the

pavement when the sun

breaks through

St. James’s trees

Give me one single

rain drop

I’d sprinkle

across this night time beauty

Give me South Ken’s pale

Venetian mask

and King’s Cross’s bright red lips

You never hear

nightingales singing

in Berkeley Square

but

you won’t mistake the Thames

for the Mississippi

and they can’t make you believe

that London never sleeps

for she does - when you don’t watch

close your eyes

you can hear her breathe

Wrong, Just Wrong

I somehow managed to wreck my layout.
Now I have tried to recreate it - but it doesn't feel quite right.
It's like I have moved again and the new abode still has a strange feel to it.

The Void may agree that what we hold dear to our hearts must ideally never change.

However, The Ever-Knowing Void will now lift the proverbial finger (if it had any. HA!) and point to the fact that -

Change is inevitable. Change in fact is the only thing constant in our lives.

Have I said that before? Perhaps. Goes to show my life is a fuckin' re-run.

Point: I will of course endeavour to overcome my childish aversion to the new and continue writing on this here page that is in its entirety dedicated to The Void.

Amen.


P.S. One good deed a day, right?

Please Continue

Ah, the new year.
Still so fresh and unspoiled.
Let's see how long that lasts.
I know, ever the optimist...


Is it not strange how we expect the worst... of events, of others, of ourselves?

Must Try Harder

Class has not been able to make any progress whatsoever on yesterday's puzzle.

Wondering now whether task was too difficult. Will try and propose it at a later time, hoping to see at least some results.


I find myself dumbfounded. This, of course, does not mean that I usually know what to say. But in this particular situation I am, alas, powerless. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, as it were.

"Go with your gut" - does not help. My gut is as likely to be as much help here as a car mechanic in an emergency room.

Of course, strictly speaking, naturally it is not ME I am talking about here. It is all hypothetical.
We are moving in the realm of ideas and scenarios. Cases, if you will.

So going back to yesterday's cryptic musings:

Fact: the cheater has cheated.
Fact: the cheater has not told.
Argument: the cheater has thus lied twice, by cheating in the first place and by omission.
Counter-argument: it's for the best, what the other doesn't know won't hurt them.
Argument: the cheater needs to tell, no good comes from lying.
Counter-argument: it's for the best, what the other doesn't know won't hurt them.

See the problem?

Now what if we'd introduce a different aspect, like the cheater is acting out of spite and whishes to hurt the other party. In so doing, the cheater hopes to find relief, clearing of his conscience and the possibility of sharing a certain burden of responsibility. All at the expense of the other - the alleged victim.
But what if the victim is not so much that but a partner in crime? What if they are equally to blame for the situation that has arisen?

Clearly, I have watched too much "The Good Wife".
Good show, though. Takes your mind off things.
Unfortunately, not always and never quite.

Session adjourned.

P.S. Must get a gavel... (I hope you're reading this, Santa.)

Believe me sir, you want this to stay hypothetical...

Once in a while one finds oneself in a bit of a dilemma. We've all been there.
So what is one to do?
Men: carry on regardless, letting silence reign
Women: share, ventilate, get outside advice and/or second opinion

No, there's no third option. Believe me, I'd have taken it if there'd been one.

To add to the fun we will say that, hypothetically, a person has cheated/lied. Is this person to confess and tell whomever they have cheated on / lied to? Would this make things better or worse? And this depends on what?

You see today's class has hit a wall...


Input anyone?

The Ticket

According to James Norman Hall, "loafing is the most productive part of a writer’s life".

True.

There's A Price For Everything

507 EUR and FIFTY Cents to be precise.

Always Go Bigger

Yup. Double whammy! I can't believe my luck...

And now for some reassurance

It's so nice to have one's fears confirmed...

Summer Souvenir

the sun has kissed you
he made love to you
your freckles seem like lovebites

and now you're sitting on the edge of my bed
a little shaky, a little tired
like some child returning home
from too much fun and play

but your soul got tangled
by the beach
unable to let go
not wanting to

so you ended up holding the sky in one hand
the ground in the other
bringing me a little of each as a Summer souvenir

the sun has kissed you
he made love to you
your freckles seem like lovebites

and now you're breathing out the salty air
that got lost within your lungs
and your lips they taste of sea, of rolling tides and spray

the sound of your voice against my ear is
like sand running through my fingers -
tickling my skin
a second of soft warmth
then gone

I'm not listening
but can I steal a little kiss
as a Summer souvenir?

the sun has kissed you
he made love to you
your freckles seem like lovebites

you're leaving

a ship's departure from the shore
your dress you wear like a sail
brightly reflecting the sun

with every breeze there's motion
you go further
                         and
                                                 further


until your freckles are
only a smudge
a blur
a thought

Once was...

... I forgot.

16:37

That is the time I managed to heave my old bones out of bed. And I am proud of it! Eat that, Early Bird!

Also I look out of the window and at the mighty endless blue sky, the clouds making shapes and funny faces and I must confess: it leaves me totally unimpressed.

So what we've had a bit of an under-developed Summer?! Why this need for perfection, why this unhappiness?

And why oh why this blatant disregard of the need for acceptance and gratitude. I should inform the Bradley Police!

Also I am confused as to why everyone is getting their knickers in a twist about the blooming weather. Since it looks like this is what it's gonna be from now on we should really get used to the fact of Summers being either rainy and fiendishly cold affairs or so desert-like that we may witness a rise in things such as Riding a Camel - Beginners Classes, or How to decorate your Drifting Dune.
I do believe it has been made sufficiently clear that the chances of this weather/climate business ever getting better again are super slim (they're like the skinny jeans, the drain pipes of meterology). I mean it's clear that it's downhill from here, right? It's NOT going to get better (unless each and everyone of us decides to vacate and locomote at exactly the same time) and thus it's a bit like aging. You can't fight it, you can't win. Best thing you CAN do is do it gracefully.

So here I am gracefully sleeping in on sunny days, gracefully sticking to the shade and gracefully declining invitations to activities that involve exposure to UV rays.

Really, I am all about grace these days. I am practising detachment. I am not pissing and moaning about things I have no control over. You should try it some time. It's so liberating.

Only problem now: what am I going to do with that Bangin' Bikini Bod of mine?!

Talk About Over-Compensating

I leave this space blank for weeks at a time in order to pen - with tremendous effort, I might add - one big ol' lump of thougths.
Must try to be more consistent.
However, I have been struggling with yesterday's post for ages. Said lump of thoughts has been sitting with me, staring me in the face, stubbornly refusing to take shape. I kept writing and deleting ad nauseam.
So forgive me for feeling a little smug today.
Some people cure terrible diseases, I muddle through and finish a damn post that's been a long time coming. Results, clearly! On a different scale to be sure. But still...

So, Coop, what you say we be grateful for a moment here? You for all your big piles of money and I for showing some tenacity for a change.
Deal!

Golly...

... it has been quite some time.

I will not go on and on about it. I shall be sweetness and light.
For which there are plenty of reasons.

Actually, no. No!
I am not going to spend one whole entry fibbing about how bloody happy I am ALL the BLOODY TIME.
Because I am not. Alright? Satisfied?

Of course I am happier, A LOT happier. Actually I am REALLY happy.
But I am also simply shattered, knackered, exhausted, debilitated, frazzled even.

My Doc says it was ok to be tired in times of transition. I love that. I also love that Doc seems to appreciate the nature of my reality right now: happiness aside, I am still only human and have not suddenly mutated into Zeus' illegitimate daughter with super magic goddess powers.
Wait - weren't all his children misbegotten - out of wedlock an' all?
Alright so I'd be one in a long line of bastard children whose mothers were kidnapped, tricked, rained upon (I still find that one kind of disturbing and a little disgusting, too), played for a fool by this dirty old man. And he was married to his sister, for crying out loud... but I'd also be one kick-ass immortal who would not be tired out by a few double-shifts and pondering too hard on - dare I say it - the past. I'd just shrug and get on with it. Heck, I'd re-write the past and eradicate all villains in my story. THAT's what I would do.

HOWEVER, it has turned out I have no magic super powers. (Shocking, right?!)
My powers are sub-par at present.
I am not as irritable as a bear just out of hibernation but I am sure as energetic.

So Doc says to take it easy. Be patient with thyself. Get some rest.
Well if I could I would not need her to tell me that. But such ist life.

What else is new?
I have settled more or less in my new flat. Things are still all over the place. But I cannot be bothered due to aforementioned problem of too little sleep.

I have still not overcome delayed rage. Still harbour sinister thoughts against a person of the past.
Wonder whether these will ever turn into deeds...

Have ordered rifle catalogues online.

Only joking.

Apart from the superficial and, I suppose, rather average tiny things of the every-day variety, I have noticed something which does not strike me as unsettling or even mildly surprising, which says to me that I should not worry. If anyone (anyone?) else wishes to do so, feel free and be more than welcome.

It is something I have been feeling all my life, more or less - and I am not unique in feeling thus. I am not making myself out to be. I am just stating a fact here.
Namely that a person can feel - while the turmoils of a certain part in their lives have been resolved and put to rest, while new beginnings have been made and things have turned out for the better - a kind of happiness, or relief but also finds that it is temporary, fleeting.To many, I have found, it seems to be that way. To equally as many this is a sign that something's wrong. Because: if they are not happy all the time, something MUST be wrong with them.

Who in their right mind is happy all the time, I ask.
Who honestly aspires to that?!
Naturally, if quizzed, a lot of us state: happiness. Whatever that may entail for the individual.
But that is the question right there isn't it. What's it mean to be happy, to have happiness in life? Is it fame, is it health, is it the car/the house/the yacht/the trophy wife, is it having enough money to live comfortably, is it love?
This despite the fact that we are told by those apparently in the know that failure, hardship, even sickness is the "stuff" that growth is made of and that in times of crises we must turn to ourselves to find answers, for all the riches and fame in the world will not solve your issues. (Though it helps I have been told.)

My happiness is a fickle thing. It never stays long and often leaves a sense of melancholy behind and then a kind of stressed-out feeling. I do believe this stems from my habit of making the proverbial second step before the first. (Oh, time was when I would attempt to take the 5th or even the 10th before I had even started to take steps at all.) I sort of live in the future in the sense that I worry about what may or may not happen. My life is a chores-list and after one chore is crossed off I move on to the next. I do not feel satisfaction about the things (little as they may seem to others) I have achieved, accomplished. I do not feel pride. I rarely feel joy about them. It's just something I've done. Can we move on now?
I do not celebrate the bigger events in life, so do not even talk to me about the small ones.
Should this really be down to my inability to stay "in the moment" as it were? Yup, 'cause what I do instead is leave the present in order to speculate frantically about my future. And that I really (really!) cannot know or control.

My little friend called D.R. (the one that frequently leads me down the path of anger towards a certain person of my past) is also in on it. He likes to shackle me to said past. And I let him. I invite questions of WHY oh why things happened and I create ever different scenarios of what I should have done. Only problem is, of course, I cannot change what has gone before. I may know it but again I cannot control it.

It's an old hat, I know... all this being able to live right here in the present moment and how difficult it can be for one that is so easily distracted, that is so misguided and insecure.
However, the older I get, the more I get it - which is not to say that I am any good at practising it.

My mind wanders on very sturdy legs every day all day. It has not learned to be still. It offers opinions, it spouts them like a never-ending well, bubbling, teaming with incessant "talk" of likes and dislikes. I am thus only the passenger. I get carried away, in the truest sense. Not least from myself.

So, I figure, happiness would be detachment, being still within oneself, shutting the hell up.

Not sure how to break this to my overly chatty mind, though. "Right, Past and Future are off bounds, you hear me?" Yeah, that's really gonna work so well! And it doesn't stop there, does it now. Any kind of judgement would be on the list of no-go's. What is to become of my little rants?! I have to ask myself here,  Am I really ready to part with my tantrums and my bouts of self-righteous anger, my regular moments of complacency? I do cherish feeling superior. (Sue me! Like all of us ever only criticise others in order to help them. Bollocks!)

You see, it is a big decision. And I shall take my time making it.
And I shall take my chances with feeling a little happy now and then and dog-tired in-between.
Clearly, it is not bad enough yet for me to do anything about it all.
I simply have a high pain threshold and my "too much effort" radar is super-sensitive at present.
Does that make me a bad person? No.
It simply shows once more how strong one's resistance to new things truly can be.

Ah, times of transition, eh...